Tuesday, February 28, 2017

Ramblings of the Insecure

Let me just start by saying that I do love my life.
And I should have nothing to complain about.

I have...
Amazing people in my life.
Parents who I adore and are more supportive than I could ever ask for.
A sister who's become one of my best friends.
Two nephews who I get to watch growing up.
A home that I feel safe in.
A job that keeps food in my belly.
A dog that I love like a child.
An income that should be more than I need to survive.
I have flexibility to do what I want.
The energy to work out and challenge myself.
A car that gets me from point A to B.
I've been given the opportunity to experience things some never will.
I have enough clothes in my closet that could clothe a small country.
I buy enough groceries to feed a family of 6.
I have no reason at all not to wake up smiling and be the best I can be.

And yet.
Some days...
I feel like I will always be second best.
I will never be someone's priority.
I have so much anxiety for the unknown, I don't want to get out of bed.
I feel like my world is crashing down and I have no explanation why.
I feel like I'm never going to be as fast. 
I fear what might happen next that's going to effect my future.
I fear that I will be alone the rest of my life.
I fear that I will never live up to my potential personally or professionally.
I feel that getting married dramatically changed where I am and who I am.
I'm not sure who I am.
I'm not sure what God's plan is for me.
I'm scarred I'll never find a career that I'm passionate about, challenged enough, and appreciated.
I'm always going to wish I could do better.
It's never going to be enough.
My fear of constantly failing is going to keep me from being the best I can be.
I will always compare myself to others and where they are in their lives and where I think I should be.

And then...
I let this sizzle in my mind for minutes, hours, sometimes days, as I take in everything around me.
I hate myself for feeling anything but blessed for what I have, who I am, and where I am in life.
I get excited for the future and what's to come.
I tell myself to live in the moment and be damn grateful for what I do have.
Stop thinking about what I don't or what could be.
I want to embrace the changes and challenges with a heart full of hope.
I feel stupid for letting anxiety take over my mind for as long as it does.
I remind myself that I'm me and I can't compare myself to others.
That I have so much to offer and those who want to be in my life, will be.
I can't survive this life if I'm always thinking or wanting something else.
I get frustrated that I look down on myself, criticize myself, and judge myself.
I remind myself that life is just too damn short to choose anything but happy.
I think of how much worse my life could be.
I'm stronger than I will ever give myself credit for.
I remind myself that I am blessed beyond what I could ever have imagined and I am not entitled to expect more than what I've been given.

Sometimes life just gets you down!
I'm not the most outgoing.
I have insecurities that run pretty deep.
I have anxieties about, well, everything.
I don't always return the phone call in the right amount of time.
I don't always say the right thing.
I can be guarded and push people away.
I can be negative and get caught up in petty drama.
I should tell people that I love that I love them more often.
I should show more confidence in who I am.
I hold back for fear of rejection.
I bite my tongue because I'm scared to speak my mind.

And then I remember that it doesn't matter what everyone else thinks of me.
What matters is what He thinks of me and that I'm living a life worthy of His love.
That I'm showing His love to others in my life on a daily basis.
That I'm giving 100% of me and expecting 0% from others.
That I'm choosing to live a life where others can see His love through me.
That it is not all about me.
But man that's tough!
It's a daily battle, daily sin, daily let down.
You have moments of excitement and you want to go out and change the world!
You just gotta do it one day and one person and one positive thought at a time.
One smile to a stranger.
One hug to someone who needs it.
One ear to listen and support.
One compliment.
One joke to make someone laugh.
One text or phone call to make sure they know they are loved.
And I think at the end of it all, touching even just one life will be well worth it.

So I know I'm not alone in these struggles.
Not even a little bit and, not gonna lie, sometimes that helps!
I'm not crazy.
I love that I'm emotional. It's such a huge part of me. I feel things deeply.
My heart overflows with love for the people in my life.
And then I'm always wishing life to go faster.
To be at that 'settled' state of mind. Whatever that means!
To feel whole and complete and comfortably happy.
To continue following the path that's laid out for me.

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