Thursday, June 2, 2016

Let Go and Let God

The sermon at Church a few weeks ago was about pressing the snooze button on life. Being someone who dwells in the past and looking behind or someone who is constantly planning for a future and always looking ahead.

I used to try and plan it all. Something about liking being in control.
Apparently I have the quality.
Love it or leave it.

I thought I knew exactly how it was all going to be plotted out.
College, job, marriage, children, open business = happily every after.
I'd most likely stay in Louisville and settle into a 'perfectly' content life that I wanted.

Maybe that's why I got married? Maybe that's why I stayed?
Who knows. I did love him and my intentions were absolutely genuine, but apparently God had others plans for me and it took Him a while to get me to understand that where I thought my life should be, was in fact, not where He wanted my life to be.

Two years later, I sold my home of almost 6 years, quit a job that was leaving me feeling stressed out, defeated and under-appreciated and moved 3 hours away from my comfort zone.

 Now, almost 9 months after making that decision, I wouldn't change a thing.
Not a single thing.

I've been trying to figure out what changed.
I used to worry about everything. I was stressed out daily. I felt out of control if I didn't know what was going on or what was to come.
I was constantly worrying about having to deal with everything on my own in my job, marriage, and friends. I felt alone when surrounded by tons of people.

I always wanted to be 'on' and happy and prove that I was doing the right thing. That my decisions were the right ones because who wants to admit defeat? Who wants to admit they were wrong?
Sometimes it's just necessary to put on your big girl pants and 'fix' whatever is wrong.

I may never know fully why I changed or exactly when it happened, but I stopped pitying myself for what had happened and what was happening. Nothing I did now was going to change what happened then. I couldn't get that time back. I was never going to be able to stop what was happening.
I stopped complaining and started doing.
I stepped up and made a change.

I was sick of dwelling on things I couldn't control.
I was sick of constant drama and dreading waking up to go to work.
I was over feeling like I was being judged. 
I was done living in the past. Nor did I want it to define me anymore.
I can't change what's happened, but I can absolutely change how I react or stop reacting to it. 

I'm sure you've heard the saying "Let go and let God" and that's exactly what I started doing.

I just let go.
I gave my worries to Him.
I focused on what was important; my job, my family, my friends, my future.

The world didn't stop. My life didn't stop and there was no way I was going to let a bump in my life bring me down to an all time low.

I wasn't raised to be defeated.
I wasn't raised to be dependent on someone else.
I wasn't raised to place blame for my own mistakes.

I was raised to admit when I'm wrong.
I was raised to pick myself up.
I was raised to be accountable for my actions and I was raised in a family where mistakes are embraced as something to learn from.
I was raised to be supportive and let others support me when needed.
To ask for help and not let my pride get in the way. (Something I'm definitely still working on.)

But I've realized in the last few months that I've been happy. HAPPY.
I haven't felt down or depressed, stressed out or frustrated.

I've spent so much time with my family over the last 9 months and focused on the things that DO make me happy.

I made a change and it's the best thing I could have done.
I'm in a job that I actually enjoy going to.
With people who challenge me and appreciate my work.
Where I'm utilized and given room for advancement.
I live close to my sister and nephews who I absolutely adore and cannot believe I spent their first few years seeing them every few months instead of every few days.
Being around them, even when they are screaming and whiny makes me happy.
I adore them! 
The last couple years have just proven how lucky I am to have my family be some of my best friends!
I cannot imagine doing life without them.

I wake up excited for the day. For what's to come.
I still have my worries and stress, but it's good. It's a stress that pushes me further forward instead of keeping me stagnant and pulling me down.

I've started learning how to curb my anxieties and fears.
Giving them upward instead of harboring them inside.

I am forever going to worry about my future.
Will I ever get married again?
Have children?
Enough money to retire at a decent age?
Be forever satisfied with my career choices and job?

But I decided to stop living in those stresses like that was all that mattered.  Like I could fast forward my life or see into the future if I was going to get what I thought I wanted.
I may be single for the rest of my life. And I may never have the family I dream of.
I may not be able to even have children and I may change jobs yet again.

But I've accepted all of that because I know that the plan for my life is exactly where I am today and I'll be lead where I need to be.
I haven't been genuinely happy in a long time and it is an amazing feeling.
I'm not caught up in petty drama.
I'm not worried about what might happen when I walk in the door every day. 

I am embracing what's ahead.
Trying new things.
Building friendships and meeting new people.
I've changed my perspective to positive instead of negative.
I'm seeing everyday and experience as an opportunity. 
I'm learning more about who 'me' is and becoming even more secure in that every day.

I know it's not something everyone can do and changing a perspective on life in a moment is not how it works.
But you can start a little everyday.
Find and surround yourself by those people that make you happy.
That build you up and make you smile just thinking about them.
You'd be amazed at the support you have if you just take a minute to look around.

SO here's to happy! I haven't been writing much or updating much because I've been busy (no excuses), but I couldn't get out how I wanted to explain where I am.
I didn't want it to come out as this cover that everything is OK when it really isn't.
But it IS OK.
It's more than OK and I am so excited for what's next!

1 comment:

Crystal said...

I love this! And I love you Beandip! You are stronger and braver than you give yourself credit for... some folks in ky still miss you - but I'm so happy you are happy :) Plan to visit you very soon! xoxo