Monday, March 16, 2015

When You Love a Sinner

The thing about sin, lies and deception, is that if you can't take accountability for your own decisions and actions, nothing changes. 
When the blame is always on someone or something else and you begin to tell lie after lie and use excuse after excuse, you end up in a hole of pure, lonely, darkness.
You begin to shelter yourself from the world, trying to remember all the lies and to which person you told that lie; that you start to lose friends and family.
You start to believe that the rest of the world is against you and that you're right and they are wrong. 
Your pride and selfishness take over and it becomes a choice to continue on the path of sinning.
You begin relying on substances to make you feel better and the sad part is that you don't even see yourself losing everything you thought you had and your whole life begins to have very little meaning anymore. 
You maintain fake relationships and those that stayed by you, for one reason or another, keep you at a distance. 
They begin to build a wall around their hearts to protect themselves and all the while their lives continue to move forward, you become stuck in this world of chaos where you truly believe that everyone else is the problem. 
You begin a whole new round of lies and deceit, just to justify your actions...

I was married to someone exactly like that and it destroyed our marriage, friendship, and any ties we had to each other. 
It's awful and heartbreaking and just sad. 
Nothing I tried or could have done would have worked. 
He didn't believe anything was wrong.
He thought that verbal and emotional abuse was 'normal' and I was stuck in an awful position with a stepdaughter I had to protect. 

I've made a conscious decision not to exploit my marriage and our families all over social media. 
I don't think it's fair and I'm just not that kind of person. 
Venting to my family and friends was enough for me. 
There is absolutely no reason for me to be blasting posts and messages in fits of anger or frustration and I really didn't want to put something out there that I'd regret.
Plus, I don't want to relive it all the time. It's been almost a year now since I asked him to move out and I've had time to heal. Time to reflect. Time to come back into my own. 
I'm not the same and I may never be, but I'm OK with that. 
It's an experience that I wish never happened, but one that I'm grateful for at the same time.  
I stood up for myself when someone wasn't treating me right. 
I could have stayed. 
I could be worse off now than ever, but I didn't and I'm better now. 
I learned how strong I am and how much love and support I have. 
I've learned what I deserve and how much I can give to someone else. 
I'm not willing to settle and even though a family and children is exactly what I want right now, I'm going to trust that God has a better plan for me down the road.
And the best thing I can do is continue striving to be better and work hard at it. 
I can continue to grow in the relationships I have and enjoy the memories with my family. 

So, whenever I hear this song by Martina McBride, it hits home.
To me it's like a battle between listening to your heart and your head and in a weird way, it provides a comfort that what I did was right.
The thing that is hard to accept is, I get why women stay in abusive relationships. I do. I wish I didn't, but I do and it's true that you just keep telling yourself it's going to be OK and everything will be fine. 
Just smile for the rest of the world and maybe, just maybe things will change. 
The hard part to accept is things rarely change for the good. 
When you wake up everyday and it begins to physically hurt trying to be positive and pretend your life isn't falling apart before your eyes; it's exhausting. 
I had the highest anxiety I have ever experienced on a daily basis for months. 
I would hate going home or even waking up in the mornings, never knowing what kind of day it was going to be or what mood he was in. 
I'm am just incredibly thankful for my support system of family and friends. 
I would never have gotten through it all without them. 
They've been my rocks. 
And I cannot thank them enough for that. 

I know I made the absolute right decision, but just because I know it was the right decision, doesn't mean that it was easy...
I take marriage very seriously and I worked very hard to make him happy. 
Someone asked me if I had regrets about it all and I don't like to live with regrets. I really showed this man for 4 years how much love I could give. How much support, trust, loyalty, and respect I could give. And he made a very conscious choice to throw it all away.
And if I had never married him, I probably would always wonder "what if". So, I guess no.
I may not have listened to God's voice telling me something was wrong, but He's helped me through and kept me safe through it all and that's enough for me.
I'm going to be OK and I'm going to be happy.
I'm thankful to never have been the girl that 'needs' a man in her life.
I'm content being alone and enjoying the time I have with those I love.
I'm able to really figure out who I am and what I want for the rest of my life.
It's exciting and scary at the same time, but I can't wait to see what happens next.  

When You Love a Sinner

When you love a sinner,
You hate the sin 
You hate the temptress in the bottle
Seducin' him again
And you blame the cold for the winter
When you love a sinner

I tell myself that everything's okay
I paint a pretty smile on my face 
He lies and says, "I'll change"
But on his breath and in his veins
The truth still remains

Deep down, you know
That it's a crime 
You know you didn't pull the trigger
But you're the one who does the time
And you pay the debt; you're the lender
When you love a sinner

I tell myself that everything's okay
I paint a pretty smile on my face 
But I'm slowly lettin' go
Cause in my heart I know
That I can't make him better

And I've been goin' under
And now I understand 
That you can't tread water
With a drownin' man

I love a sinner
I justify it how I can 
So, it's the sin I'm leaving, not the man

1 comment:

Crystal said...

I am proud of you. You've come so far since last year... and although I know it was one of the hardest things in your life so far, it is nice to see you smile and be OK again. There is an amazing man in the works for you who will realize your worth and do things to build you up rather than tear you down. I love you friend!! Better tomorrows await you :)