Tuesday, June 17, 2014

Anxiety and Meditation

I am pretty sure I have always had anxiety.
From the parts of my childhood that I can remember, I remember being anxious.
Always worrying and stressing over new situations, new people, the unknown.
It's different for everyone and it progresses and/or possibly away for some.
Part of me thinks anxiety is a bit of a moral bar chart.
The more anxious you get the more you should listen to your gut instincts. Not always the case, but if you think about certain situations and your anxiety levels, you'll get what I mean.
For others it's is an absolute fear of whatever is going on and what might happen.

Dictionary's define anxiety as a feeling of worry, nervousness, or unease, typically about an imminent event or something with an uncertain outcome.

There you have it.
It's that feeling on not knowing what's going to happen.
And it can build and build and build and completely take you over.
It can be a lifestyle for some.
It doesn't matter the situation, person, event; it's just an innate feeling they have.

They learn to deal with it, some take meds for it and no one thing triggers it.
For me, it is probably more situational.
I never liked change as a kid, and while I still don't, I'm a mature adult who understands that change in inevitable, so I learn to deal with it.
But some situations you can't just deal with it.
Sometimes things are too difficult to just push the anxiety aside.
It's becomes a part of you.
It clings on like glue and if you don't deal with it, it'll blow up in your face.
Like a panic/anxiety attack.
I had never experienced this as I kid, I don't think.
And the first time I had one, it really scared me.
For someone who can barely remember yesterday, I unfortunately remember exactly scared and alone I felt.
Now, trust me when I say, this was not to the extreme that some probably have, but it was pretty intense and it took me a long time to come out of it.
I wouldn't wish it on anyone, that is for sure.
And I thank God for a friend that got me through that. A friend who dropped everything to rescue me and calm me down. I'm not sure what the outcome would have been otherwise.
I just try to keep the faith and believe that God brought me into it, so He is going to bring me out of it.
Your hardest times often lead to the greatest moments of your life. Keep the faith. It will all be worth it in the end.

I've only had two that I remember and I know what triggered them and I know why, but that's for a whole other post.
A therapist gave me a technique once.
She told me that meditation actually can help calm someone with anxiety on a regular basis.
A few minutes of mediation a day can change your entire attitude and feelings for the day.  
I'm a skeptic and for someone who has to take sleeping pills on a semi-regular basis, the thought of sitting in silence seemed a bit out of reach.
I could feel my brain warming up for all of the thoughts that were going to come streaming into my head once that silence started and wouldn't stop till my time was up.
Oh joy!!
I of course still went along with it. I'll try anything once and maybe even twice if I think it'll be effective.
Surprisingly, it wasn't so bad!
And I was able to control those rolling thoughts that wanted to come into my head.
She had me two one word on exhales and another word on inhales.
It helped me concentrate on those two minutes of silence with myself.
Two minutes of bliss, where I didn't have to think about what I needed at the store, what gift I was going to get a friend, what needed cleaning at the house, what time dinner was, or what was going on that weekend. Who I needed to call back or how I was going to get through a night.
It was calming and a bit refreshing; in a weird way.
You just have to breathe....

I've tried to continue that.
I'm not consistent at it, but hopefully soon I will be.
It has to become a habit and that's tough to get into.
Mornings are usually the best time. I can lay in bed and give myself a couple minutes of just being.
Before starting my crazy day of chaos or whatever life seems to throw at me that day.
Sometimes it's good to do it again in the afternoon, if I find myself feeling overly anxious and some days I just can't. I allow my emotions and anxiety to take over and for me, that's OK.
Not everyday will be perfect and not everyday is going to go as planned.
Luckily, a lot of my anxiety has regressed in the last couple months.
It's perked it's head here and there, but a huge weight was lifted and it's bittersweet.
I was able to find the main source of my attacks. 
And facing that is hard.
I know there will be more trials where I'll feel out of control and anxious, but I hope I'll be able to handle them better.
I pray I never have another anxiety attack. And while I don't need medication or treatment for mine, I feel for those that do and I pray they analyze the situations they are in and really find the trigger.
It helped me. For someone who has led a really good, non-traumatic life, I wouldn't have thought anxiety should have even played a hand in my life, but it did.
And that's just the card God gave me and I'm thankful he gave it to me, because He knows I can handle it. Knows I am strong enough to get through it.
I'm worth it. I deserve to be in this world and I deserve to be happy.
It's not a proud moment, it's not something anyone wants to admit, but it's common and it's among us all the time.
Some hide it better than others, some are so ashamed of it, they do everything in there power to make it go away or hide from the world.
I think I'd rather embrace it.
I have an amazing support system in my life that if I ever have an attack or feel that overwhelmed, I can go to them with no judgment, just love.
I encourage anyone dealing with anxiety, minor like mine or diagnosed with medication to embrace it.
It's a part of who you are and it's not necessarily going anywhere, so surround yourself with people who at least attempt to understand and if they don't they are still there to walk you through it.

It's not fun by any means, but the more you deal with it, the better it gets. Take away my anxiety--- please.   mwordsandthechristianwoman.com

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