Friday, May 11, 2012

Bird Stalk

Have I told you how much I hate birds? 
No? Well, they are terrifying. True story. 
I'm really not sure why they exist. God must have had one too many glasses of wine the day he created them. 
I have hated birds most of my life.  They freak me out.
They are creepy and I'm pretty sure they taunt those that are afraid.
They smell fear. 
Any of you that might be thinking right now it'd be hilarious to bring me a bird? Or take me somewhere with lots of birds, or anything to do with dressing up as a bird? 
I am no longer your friend.
Back to the story.
I stopped for gas the other morning, on the way to a meeting. 
I got out of the car and went around the back to the gas cap. 
Minding my own business, mind you!
So, I get the pump in my car and turn to the middle of the gas station. Trying to look at nonchalant; not trying to people watch at all. You know you do it, too.
So, I turn around and a small bird flies over and lands right behind my car. MY CAR! Because apparently, the 4 other cars at that gas station, weren't good enough.  
This is where I know he KNEW I was scared. Evil, physic, little things. 
If anyone was watching me at this moment, they would have wished they had a camera because you better believe my heart was beating a mile a minute, and I'm pretty sure my eyes bugged out a bit. You don't think I was gonna blink during all this did you?? 
I close my eyes for a second and he wins! 
So, I calmly stood there. Not making a move! Because you'd think maybe he'd get bored or think I was a statue. 
NORMAL birds would fly away at this point, right? 
WRONG! This bird totally smelt my fear.  And I swear he was laughing at me. Not just giggling? But head thrown back, tears down your cheeks, can barely breath, laughing.
Not cool little man. Not cool.
He then had the nerve, THE NERVE, to start hopping towards me! 
This is the moment where I think I stopped breathing.  
All I knew to do was begin backing up. SLOWLY. (Don't make any sudden movements!)
But, this bird had a good nights sleep and was so ready to make me sweat. 
He continued to hop around the back of my car, laughing and taunting me, getting closer, than moving farther away.
I am positive this bird has done this before.  I was just praying his other victims survived.  
He looks young, but it's deceiving.  
He's been around and he knew exactly what to do.  
When my car was full, I didn't take my eyes off him.  It was almost like we were having a standoff.  I wasn't about to look away!
So, I somehow managed to get the gas pump put away, my cap screwed on and checked the no, for my receipt. 
Now, I had to somehow find a way to get back into my car without him attacking.  
This was going to take some thinking.  As I stood there a little longer, staring him down, hoping he'd think I was tough, he decided he was bored with me. 
I wasn't giving him the satisfaction.  
He flew up top to another pump with one of his friends.
Probably to point, stare, and laugh at me, but I was just happy to get into my car, with the windows up and doors locked. 
This is not the first encounter with birds, you all.
The last house my parents lived in, I believe we had 3 that got INTO THE HOUSE! 2 were from the fire place and one decided that our kitchen was a great place to poop all over, and flew in from our porch.  
I still have nightmares...
My parents and grandparents thought it was a GRAND idea to go to the bird show in Sea World a when I was a senior in High School.
My best friend and I went to Orlando for spring break and my grandparents live close, so we met them at Sea World...or was it Bush Gardens? hmm...
Oh, ok, well either way, they had a bird show and they all wanted to go.
You better believe, I sat on the floor with a jacket over my head. I was not about to show my face around them!
They would be able to smell my fear in seconds! 
Thankfully, they were too dumb to notice.  Maybe there were too many other chickens out there, but we came out alive. 
Bird are evil.
If any of them would like to play chicken and fly in front of my car on the interstate? 
I would be ok with that. Because I will totally win that game! 
Tell me this is not an evil face!

The end. 

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