Monday, March 19, 2012

Life - Food for Thought

I've had a lot of time to think over the past week and a half.  Life throws you a lot of curves.  Well, let's be honest, maybe its God throwing the curves.  Ever wonder about all the events in your life? If you made a different decision at one point, you may be in a completely different point now.  
I've gone through life wanting to please people.  Yes, of course, I've had numerous moments of selfishness, but I always ended up changing, apologizing, whatever, to make the other one happy.  It's what I want.  Happiness, for everyone.  And maybe sometimes I've sacrificed my own for them...
I don't mean to knock anyone in my life or say they've steered me in the wrong direction, it's just we're all influenced by people that surround us.  I've had amazing friends throughout life, amazing family, and amazing experiences.  I have always tended to learn more about life, by living it, than by reading it in books.  Someone told me the consequences of an action, I wouldn't do it.  I learned just by knowing what could happen...granted, I haven't abided by this for every instance of my life, but the major life decisions? yes.

A lot of times, though, I made those decisions because everyone told me not to.  I understood the consequences, what might happen, but it doesn't always happen like you think.  There are exceptions.  There are exceptions for a lot of things in life.  Just because one scenario turned out wrong for someone, doesn't mean it will always turn out wrong for everyone else.  
My thoughts are still jumbled, but I needed to get them out on 'paper'.  Just out there for the world.  I want this blog to be completely me.  I don't want to hide anything, hold back because I'm afraid of what people might say.  But, this blog isn't just for me.  It's a way to reach out, share my stories, life experiences, etc, and maybe touch a life because of it.  Maybe one post will help someone know that there are others out there that feel the same way.  There is someone else to relate and the end result, isn't always bad.
I've had this weird feeling the past few days of just wanting to life my life.  Wanting to take charge and make decisions for me.  I know I've been selfish in life...that's a given.  It's something we all try and work on.  But, right now, I want to be selfish.  I don't want tons of voices in my head.  I don't want influences from others.  I want to hear what they have to say, I want to be able to understand and see it at face value, but in the end, I want people to appreciate my decisions.  I want them to believe and have faith in me and my relationship with God, that it is the right path.  I don't know how to explain it.  It's weird, but I've almost had this liberated feeling of just being me! I'm in my mid twenties.  Almost 27 and while I have a lot to show for it, accomplished a handful of things, I'm not 100% satisfied.  I've let fear and wanting to please others lead me in certain directions.  While they haven't always been bad directions, don't get me wrong, they've been paths that I think others want me on.  It's a life that is mine, but a 'comfortable' one.  Does that make any sense at all?! lol 
Everyone has that someone to go to.  That best friend(s) who you can be completely open and honest with, say whatever comes to your mind, good or bad, and they are still standing there cheering you on at the end of it.  They understand that sometimes things are said in the heat of emotions, but not really meant, they understand that sometimes you just need to vent.  You don't need anyone to actually listen, you don't need anyone to judge or respond and you aren't always looking for advice.  I love having that.  I love having girls who cherish me and I them.  They listen whenever I want to talk, they make me laugh and encourage me to do what makes me happy.  They can be blunt and tell me exactly how it is, but they don't judge if I don't follow their advice or 'do' what they say.

I've also said before that I tend to hold in emotions.  Ask my friends lol.  They've said that sometimes it's like pulling teeth; getting me to talk.  It's just not something that's always been natural to me.  I've never had a relationship where I can talk about absolutely anything and feel ok at the end.  Feel like I'm not being judged.  Feel like no matter what I say, at the end of it all, they still love me for me.  
Friends are amazing for making you feel normal or at least feeling ok for NOT being normal! lol :) 
I've always had this sadness about my grandfather's death.  My dad's dad died the year I was born, so I never met him.  One thing I remember is my mom telling me when I was little, that we would have gotten along so well.  That I reminder her a bit of him and that we would have had a great relationship.  How is it possible to miss someone you've never met? I think about him a lot.  I think about how I know without a doubt, he'd be my go-to person.  I don't mean that I don't/can't go to my parents and sister. At all.  They are there for me every single day, every single situation; hands down.  I just always have this dream about a bond with him.  I can sometimes feel his presence like a best friend.  Like someone who isn't here to just be with me.  Support me, comfort me, laugh with me.  Like my own angel.  I am so thankful and blessed to be a part of a family that loves me no-matter-what.  Regardless. We may not always agree, but in the end, we're there for each other.  And I know God knew that they were who I needed growing up.
I was, however, extremely blessed to have a grandfather, my mom's dad, who was alive most of my childhood.  He passed away when I was 19.  People, I can't put into words the love this man had in his heart.  I definitely didn't appreciate it or see it enough growing up, but looking back on every day, he was the strongest person I know.  I wasn't able to see him a lot.  I don't think I ever really realized who was standing in front of me.  Who wanted nothing more than my families happiness, no matter the sacrifices he had to make.  I wish that I had more in me as a kid to see him.  I mean really see him.  I knew he was amazing, but I never really let him know.  I didn't see him but a couple times a year and him and my mom had that bond.  I knew that is what she needed and pray he's her angel, now.   
So, I'm not really sure where I was going with all this, but like I said earlier, I've had their weird feeling of just being OK in my skin.  Not looking for others approval.  Not wanting to make everyone else happy, but myself.  Believing that sometimes faith is believing.  That life can be about chance.  That it's time to stop trying to plan my life, but let God do what he does best.  It's a sense of peace.  And I've realized that the things that make me happy, the things I see in my future, the life I know He wants for me, is on my mind constantly.  Sometimes you just have to step back from it all to realize exactly what's important and what's right.  What makes you happy, what you want for the rest of your life. and what you're willing to sacrifice.  What you're willing to dwell over or the decision to not dwell at all.  The decision to live everyday happy.  Live it and do what makes you happy.  Sometimes, ok, all the time, it is not worth it to fume over things you can't change.  
I want to be a better child of God.  I want to learn from His ways and love everyone no matter what.  I want to accept everything and do what I can to live the life He wants.  And everyday, it's get just a little bit clearer.  I feel a better sense of peace and understanding on where I'm supposed to be.  And it's encouraging.  :) 
I know none of this makes any sense to some. lol And for others, you may know exactly where I'm at and understand.  And for others still, you're finally able to open yours eyes and realize something.  I don't want regrets.  I don't want to let the past hold me back, bring me down, or control my future.  What so many don't understand, myself included sometimes, is you can't change the past.  You can't go back.  You can only move forward.  So, it's not worth it to sit back and wait for it to change.  You've got to push past it.  Take it in accept it, learn from it, but also not let it make you afraid.  I definitely don't want to look back and know that I didn't do something because I was afraid. 

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