Tuesday, September 20, 2011

Insecurities


Surprise, surprise!! We all have them, right?  Well, this girl (pointing to myself), has had them most of her life.  And as I got older? They got worse; no joke.  I was told as a little girl that I was so cute, which turned into pretty, as I got older, but I've just always had that stick in my stomach that said they were all lying and crazy.

It's weird! People say they consider me a pretty confident person, and maybe thats more me being comfortable with who I am? But, even that's a stretch. 

I guess, I never had that phase where I wanted to be someone else, I never really cared about my body, we all know this, given my awesome weight in high school and beautiful freshman 15 in college, but I was an athlete, so eating a lot, was supposedly burned off in practice and games. lol Or maybe I just tried to convince myself that was true :)

I was always told I was beautiful by my family, never were there every conversations about losing weight or the way I looked.  For that, I am extrememly grateful, but I always had those thoughts in the back of my head. Guess it comes with the territory of being a girl??

When you are younger, it's more looks.  How skinny you are, how 'pretty' you are, the clothes you were, etc.  But it seems like as you get older, it's more than that.  It's insecurities in relationships, your work, your lifestyle, your life as a whole...

But that doesn't mean all those other insecurities go away. 

Here is where I'm getting at.  I've had a few weeks of insecurities.  Like major... To the point where I kind of freaked out.  Mostly over body image, cause let's face it, I've had problems with that for a while, but definitely not in the past 2 years or so and it was a really weird feeling.  A feeling back when I was with my ex when I felt like I was this huge hefer and needed to just stop eating all together.  A feeling that I was disappointing Matthew because I gained a lb.  ONE lb...probably in water weight no doubt, when in all honestly the kid wants me to gain weight! WHAT??? Sorry babe, not happening. lol Probably post that time of the month, probably stress and frustrations in life, but OMG that is NOT me! At least not anymore...

It sucks living in a world where every body type is different, but yet we all want them to look the same.  I'm being honest when I say that I didn't grow up thinking that I needed to change my body.  In all reality, it was when I started dating my ex and all hell seemed to break lose.  I completely changed who I was; really I had no idea who I wanted to be, so forming to this perfect future "trophy" wife was all I really knew or was brain washed to believe.

But I've had a chance to grow into me.  To realize that I have a voice in my life, relationships, work, etc.  I am able to express my opinion and be an independent person.  I've learned what I want, but I've also learned people.  I've learned how to forgive, how to be respectful and accepting whether it's what I want or not, step back from situations and see who someone truly is, instead of just what's on the surface.  Sometimes people make mistakes, SHOCKER, right?! :) But if we just pushed every person away and said, you're not good enough, I can't be around you, etc? We'd have no one! No one! Seriously, it's amazing how quickly people will judge and only dwell on those few negative instances without giving anyone a chance.  Without even trying to know the real side to someone...it's sad, and people will miss out on some amazing relationships because of it...

I'm starting to freak out about a ton of things...for one, about a future. It scares me that money will be hard to come by, given the economy and finding a decent paying job, it  truly scares me that I'll never get my store, my family, kids, my dreams, my purpose...it scares me that I'll be stuck in a job I don't truly enjoy because there are no other options.  It scares me that I let my fears get in my way.  It scares me that this perfect life with a husband and family that gets along perfectly; may not be.
I hate feeling that way to.  I've just been in this crazy funk the past couple days. I mean, hello, I just got the cutest nephew on the face of this planet!! I should be extactic!! and for him, I totally am :) Matthew is working hard for a promotion (and stressin major :)), I'm totally lost within my Church and unsure of where I belong, my faith seems to be stagnant if not just there; not growing, I want to do so many things and I'm just not sure how to get there. I don't see my parents all that much and they live 25 minutes from me...
I've found myself in different places of my life always wishing I was 5 years ahead. As a teenager, wanting to be 18, then 21, then 25, then married, etc.  And now? I'm finding myself feeling like I'm stuck.  I'm 26 and finally officially ready for that next step.  I want a family, kids, a career, routines, traditions, a house to decorate, a full and extended family that genuinely loves each other and being together.  But, I also don't want to miss out on these years of life always wishing for the future, right? I've got a good life. I have an ok job, a great boyfriend, amazing family and friends I adore, the cutuest dog ever, a condo I love and a life I've really built for myself.  I don't want to be stuck waiting for something better. I was going to build a life whether it was for me or with someone else, but I can't stand seeing people just sit there and be ok with less than they deserve or want.  If you want something in life, do it, go for it, change it, but for some, convenience is easier...

I sure do want a lot of things and I'm wondering if that's where I've gone wrong.  Maybe I need to start thinking about what God wants for me, instead of begging him to give me things that I think I want...they are all in my heart, don't get me wrong there, but God has this weird timing thing and sometimes I'm impatient.  I want it now instead of later and I think my funks are a wake up call to just relax, listen, and wait...

So God, if I can ask politely for you to hurry up? I would, but I know things take time and I don't want to miss out on anything now.  I want you to heal, to help those that need to forgive; forgive. Help those that need acceptance and respect, and those that need you more in their lives...help those that need to trust and open up to the ones that love them.  Help them let others into their hearts fully without judgement or mocking...Help families come together and support each other no matter what...heal pain from previous situations and strength to move forward...allow us to treat those we love with  even half of the utmost respect and support and love that you show us everyday. I jst know we'd all be a lot happier :) I've said it a million times on here, but this is our ONE life.  If we don't do something now? We never will.  If you don't love now? If you don't forgive now? If you don't respect and support now? When will you? If you can't let go and move forward? Be joyful in the moments you have here, now...just let go...you never will. You'll forever be dwelling on things you can't change, situations you can't control, and you'll surround yourself with anger and frustrations instead of happiness and love...

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