Friday, July 22, 2011

Unscripted

I couldn't think of a good title for this one...it's more of just me trying to get my thoughts sorted out, completely unscripted and unedited...my mind wandering all over the place.

I used to dream as a little girl, that I'd have this fairytale life. That I'd find the perfect job, the perfect man, the perfect house, the perfect dog, the perfect....whatever.

Then I grew up and realized that it isn't always that perfect...at least not fairytale. Things that happen in the movies, don't always happen in real life, and when the credits roll after the passionate kiss? Then what? No more fighting, no more drama? Their lives are just all of a sudden OK?

I'm almost 26 and have found love that I never thought I would...after a bad relationship a long time ago, I didn't know what I wanted, needed, or even expected out of a relationship, but I knew I wasn't going to let someone control me so much as I did before. I was going to have a voice. I was going to be able to be a partner in something special. I knew I wanted to feel like my feelings and opinions, fears and worries...well, matter to someone else...

I can live life alone; it sucks sometimes, but I don't want to waste my life dwelling on it. I don't want to miss out on opportunities to meet people, have fun, take a chance...

Well, I did that. I took a big chance. I went out of my comfort zone into a situation that I knew I could handle, but I knew would be a big change with sacrafices. A situation with a past, but who doesn't have one right?

It was a chance taken that I really thought was going to be perfect; well as much as life can be. I knew there was more love there quickly than I thought possible and it's an amazing feeling.

People sometimes just click and I love that. Right away it's easy to be yourself, share silly thoughts, or dark fears...become so vulnerable with someone that you are basically handing them your heart and trusting them not to drop it. Trusting that they will continue to pump it and keep it alive forever...

And then sometimes people make mistakes. They don't think before the act or speak, they just do. And it doesn't always turn out how you wanted. There are things you can say over and over for months and change is never there...you patiently wait for someone to understand where you are coming from. You wait for them to see that you are hurting and frustrated and you wait for them to make it right...to ease your pain or frustration. To take what you have to offer to heart and be equal.

But waiting and saying for so long can be draining. If someone doesn't want to change, they won't. If they don't see the good someone can offer, they won't try everyday to make sure you will never be hurt; to never do anything that would make you feel pain in any way...

Second chances are worth it. They are worth it because you learn if someone truly heard what you are saying. If they are really going to give you 100% of what you need and work that much harder to show you what they can offer; show you what they can bring to the table. Show you that they are willing to sacrifice things too.

It's a battle of the head and the heart too. You can never explain to someone else the love and passion you might have for someone because they aren't in it. They don't see you on a daily basis or see how people are together. Sometimes they only hear little tiffs or negative things and that makes them wonder what's really going on. What kind of situation their loved one is involved in and if they are going to be hurt...

I pray God has people under his wings and I wish that His signs were in neon lights screaming the answers...but life doesn't always work that way, or maybe it's just a matter of opening your eyes to it and letting yourself see, even if you don't like the answer.

Time alone is good. Time to think about actions, words, and remedies. Time to let your heart heal, your mind calm, and your fears be released...it can be clarity in a tough situation or more of a battle between what you think you want and need...It's tough. No one can tell you what to do, no one can predict what will be the outcome; other than base it off of what you've seen. Steps that have gotten you this far, only to put you back where you were in the beginning.

I believe people can change, absolutely, I have and I have because of people in my life. They didn't tell me to change, I did it because it felt right and it was what I wanted to make them and myself happy. It was in my heart that it was necessary...

People can also say they will change; that's the easy part, but, more often than not, it's actions over words. And if you don't see it, it's very hard to believe it can happen.

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