Monday, July 25, 2011

Faith Thoughts and Life

I went to a different Church yesterday.  I haven't been to Church in a few weeks and that bothers me.  I wasn't in the greatest mood to go, but I'm glad I did because it a message I kind of needed to hear.  It had to do with sticking with God, even when you may think he's not listening or giving you what you want. 
It's a matter of knowing that if you don't see that he's giving you what you are asking, if he's not healing you like you want, giving you a job when you need it, etc...that doesn't mean He isn't still there.  It doesn't mean that He's not looking out for you.


I found myself a little lost with faith lately and I think a lot of my stress and emotions and things happening lately; I've reacted more emotionally than usual? (Don't laugh, I know I'm an emotional mess. I totally cry at all the animal shelter commercials...don't judge!) And I wonder if it's a struggle with God as well as the struggles going on in my life.


I haven't been going to Him every time I've needed Him and that's wrong.  It's something that doesn't feel right; almost like something is missing.  God isn't just there for me to beg for something to go right, give me something I want, etc.  He is there no matter what.  He's there when I may not make the best decisions, He's there when good things happen to me, and He is always there to guide me through.  


I find that listening to my heart can sometimes be intertwined with listening to what God is putting in my heart.  I hate leading in fear.  I hate feeling like I don't have control, but in all honestly, I don't, right? God does.


I'm a believer that things happen for a reason.  People are brought into our lives for a reason and we are who we are for a reason.  Not everyone may understand and that's OK, but they have to accept.  They have to know that if God is in your heart, that He is there guiding you on the path you are taking.


I know that I was born into the family I am in for a reason.  I have my parents because of what they've been able to teach me and how they raised me to be an adult.  I have my sister because we learned how to coexist as siblings.  We learned to fight, we learned to share, and we learned how to create a strong bond as sisters, but also as friends.  I know that I can go to my family for anything, but I also know that sometimes they don't always understand me.  And sometimes that's ok with me.  


There is a reason God had my dad make the decision to stay in Louisville for so long.  There is a reason, I went to Evansville Indiana for school and I strongly believe there was a reason I transferred back home.  All of those decisions have given me chances to learn who I am, make mistakes, learn from those mistakes, but also just live life.


I don't want to look back and have regrets.  I don't want to be unhappy, but I also get that sometimes life throws you things and it's how you chose to deal with them that matters most.


I've realized that I am almost 26 years old and I very much have my own life.  I've built this life of love and happiness, security, success, independence, friendships, etc.  I've done what I felt was right, not always what i wanted to do and you know? There are times it's been rough.  Not gonna lie even a little bit about it.  There have been times when I want to break down, and have, but then I realize that my life? Really isn't so bad.  I am happy 99.9% of the time.  I'm a an extremely emotional person, therefore, at times? Things seem way worse than they are...at times, I find myself thinking this is rock bottom. 


Then I look and see the people in my life who have shaped me.  I see the struggles they went through, I see the loss in my families lives, but I also see strength.  And I want to be known as a strong person.  I want people to see that I can comfort, that I can get through anything, that with my faith? I'm going to be ok, even through tough times.


I think I've said before that I have always had this weird feeling that of everyone I know, present to future, I would be the one to get cancer.  It's eery I know and it's not something I want to talk about, but in my heart, I know God would get me through it.  He'd be next to me holding my hand as I fight.  As I show the strength to get rid of the demons in me...

I have had an up and down year.  And I've put my family through some questioning/worrying times, but mostly because I chose to leave out all the good things happening to me.  I tend to hold back sometimes, because I think others may not want to hear it.  It's hard for me to open up.  I know, I'm weird, but I get those insecure vibe and i don't know how to put my emotions into words, so instead, I seem to go to people only when things aren't going right.  So their reaction? You need to get out...you need to figure out if you are willing to take this path.  But without knowing the good in it? It's very hard to convince anyone that things actually are ok, but this is just a struggle, stepping stone, something that I'm figuring out if I can work through or not.


So many people I know don't see me upset and when I am? They almost seem absolutely surprised...I don't like to show that to people, but I'm also not this horribly unhappy person!! Honestly! I love my life and I actually love where I am at.  


I'm 26 years old.  I'm still learning, and I'm still trying to learn how to be an 'adult' I guess. I'm learning how to work through relationships, first jobs, being a homeowner, and a daughter and sister...Oh and a puppy momma.  


I'm still learning where I fit in my Christian life.  Where I belong and how to grow my faith.  I'm still figuring out what I actually truly want to do and how to get to that.  


I'm still learning to overcome my fears. Because really? This is the only life I have.  So I'm trying to live everyday happy.  HAPPY.  and sometimes, it doesn't work out? but sometimes it's worth a little bit of struggle to make it work.  Sometimes, it's worth that second or third chance, because I know in my heart that God will lead me to happiness and to Him.  I know that He has me under his wing.  Protecting me everyday. 


I've had my heart broken, I've lost people I love so dearly, I've created friendships that will last a lifetime, and I've got a family that loves me. Oh and a job to give me a roof over my head, groceries in my fridge, and a closet that is just ridiculous...lol (Side note: I totally cleaned out my closet and drawers the other day, filling up two TWO huge garbage bags for the rummage sale...WOW. and yes, it is still full lol :/)  


Anyway, I have had a lot of time to think lately.  A lot of time to decide how I want my life to unfold and who I want in it.  Not everyone is going to agree, but I pray tonight, that those who love me, trust that I'm making the right decisions.  That I will get the support and love that I need.  That they will see the person I've become, making my own decisions and being an adult lol....that I am and can be happy.  That at 26, I still have so much life to live and learn and right now? It just feels right.  And I hope....I really really hope that everyone can see that.  That they can see God in my face and in my heart and know that this is the path He wants me on right now... 

I pray he gives them forgiveness and hope.  I pray He can open hearts and minds to see the blessings of today.  That for me? I don't want to hold anxieties and tensions.  I don't want to live my life in regret or anguish.  I want to live it doing what makes me happy.  :)

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