Wednesday, May 17, 2017

Your Hands

I'm imperfect.
I can be selfish. 
My moods can change sometimes by the hour. (Makes you want to be friends with me, huh??)
I struggle with wanting more than I have.
Thinking something can make me happy if I just had it.
If I just made more money.
If I could just land that job I want.
If I could have a better car.
If I had more skills one way or another.
If I could just run a few seconds faster.
If I could travel more.
Get that purse, shirt, pair of jeans; thinking it'll make me look better. 

I compare myself to others. Who doesn't, honestly?
I've gotten better over the years.
Not letting it get me down
But I still struggle wishing I was something more or different.
Sometimes believing I'm not good enough. 
And as I've gotten older and become more self aware, I've also learned how to curb those desires or insecurities.
To remind myself that I'm an individual and I am proud of who I am, where I've come from and where I am going.
I am good enough.
I'm worthy of being happy and achieving the things that I want.
I have to work at them though.
Nothing will be handed to me.
I've been blessed with a heck of a lot more than I ever deserve and I never want to take advantage of that. 

But I still get caught up in my own emotions.
My feelings seem to dominate my moods and can draw me away from friends and family.
They can take over to make me doubt myself and who I am and what I am able to accomplish.
And I have to tell myself to snap out of it.
You're good. You have a roof over your head, money in your pocket, food in the fridge, family, friends, a job...
And sometimes, I have to let myself feel.
I have to let every emotion I've been holding inside out.
Because if I don't?
Well, it doesn't end well.
And again, it's take me time to learn what I need and when.
And I can't expect everyone to always know what I need.

I'm lucky to be humbled often at work.
I work on a program helping low income families upgrade their homes to reduce energy bills.
Doesn't sound like much, but when you only make a few hundred dollars a month; every little bit matters and people are grateful for it.
And I try to remember that there are so many people in this world that have a third of what I do and they wake up everyday grateful for that. 

I try to be strong.
To not let my struggles be a burden to others, so I don't always talk about it.
I hold it in, let it process and 90% of the time I can do that and move on.
I know when I need to tell myself I'm being crazy, overthinking, being irrational, whatever.

And the point of all this is that I'm human.
And so are you.
And we all have our struggles.
Our daily battles.
Our hearts break, we want to scream or cry and we can't always do that.
We are taught to be strong, to push forward, to let go and not care.
But we still do.
We all do.
It's hard to pretend you're feelings aren't there.
We can't always go on every day acting like everything is OK.
And that is OK. 

Sometimes we feel so much that we forget God's there to hold us.
We forget that He's watching out for us.
Even when our prayers go unanswered, because looking back, those prayers were answered, just not in the way you wanted and you realize that it was for the better.
Some days I want to scream at God.
I want to beg him to give me what I want and it's almost embarrassing.
I try to control the things I cannot and I have to remember that I am not in control.
Lately, I haven't been a big fan of God.
He's heard many a words from me and they haven't exactly been grateful, but I know He's already forgiven me and I know He's is doing what's best for me.
I have to remember to believe that even when I'm hurting, He's got his arms around me and is leading me down a positive path. 
I just have to keep the faith.
And give up some control.  

On the way home from work today, this song came on.
And it's one I've turned to many a times in my life.
I don't know exactly what it is.
The words are powerful, the music seems to speak to me and her voice is absolutely beautiful.
It's one of those songs I can tear up almost every time I listen to it.
I had it on repeat and listened to it 4 times this afternoon.

It was exactly what I needed. 

JJ Heller has been one of my favorite Christian artists for a while now.
She has a beautiful family with two little girls and the cutest puppy.
She is an inspiration and is truly using all the gifts God's given her. 

Take a listen. You will not be disappointed.
And because I am usually drawn to song lyrics first, I've written them out below.
In case you just need to read them instead.

Click here to watch the video:

JJ Heller 

I have unanswered prayers
I have trouble I wish wasn't there
And I have asked a thousand ways
That you would take my pain away
You would take my pain away

I am trying to understand
How to walk this weary land
Make straight the paths that crooked lie
Oh Lord, before these feet of mine
Oh Lord, before these feet of mine

When my world is shaking, heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave your hands

When you walked upon the earth
You healed the broken, lost and hurt
I know you hate to see me cry
One day you will set all things right
Yeah, one day you will set all things right

When my world is shaking, heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave your hands

Your hands that shaped the world
Are holding me
They hold me still
Your hands that shaped the world
Are holding me
They hold me still

When my world is shaking, heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave you
When my world is shaking, heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave
I never leave your hands

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