Thursday, January 30, 2014

Love Language

Matthew and I started going to these marriage group/class things at a Church we like.
It's for newlyweds, engaged couples, newly married couples, long time married couples, and even singles who just want to understand how to be the best partner.

It's been really interesting after just a couple sessions.
The first was about the differences in men and women.
Talking about pink and blue glasses/headphones/megaphones.
We can sometimes say the same exact thing, but mean the exact opposite.
It's pretty funny and while you notice those things in any relationship, you don't always remember it on a daily basis or recognize those differences when you need to.

The second session was about our love language.
If you've never heard of love language, you should definitely go here to find what yours is!
It's really quit interesting.
I knew exactly what mine was just by reading the synopsis, but when I took the test, I was surprised what my very close second one was.
And I was even more surprised by Matthew's second one.
We overlap a bit, which should be a good thing for us.

Mine are Acts of Service and Physical Touch.
Meaning, that, to me, showing that you love me is by doing little 'acts of service'.
Maybe cooking dinner without me asking or having to think about it.
Taking out the trash or fixing something in the house.
Doing the dishes or picking up after yourself.

What's ironic is that I've been speaking the love language that I need to Matthew, our entire relationship.
I feel like I'm always doing these things for him to show him that I love him and in the end, that really doesn't matter to him at all.
Those things don't make him know I love him.
He doesn't operate that way.
So, It makes it difficult to understand each other and relate in a way that we can connect on a deeper level.

His love language is physical touch. He needs that hand holding or cuddling on the couch.
A back scratch or extra kiss in the day.
And again it's ironic that he's been speaking his love language, to me, our entire relationship.

What's funny, is physical touch was my close second.
I was surprised by this because while I do need that contact to feel loved, it's not something I think about a whole lot.
We sit by each other on the couch often, we hold hands most places we go and we tell each other we love each other often, but to Matthew all that means so much more.
So me taking more time to recognize those moments and put more 'heart' into them is extremely important to him.

HIs second was quality time.
This really surprised me. I would have thought it would have been words of affirmation.
He has told me that I don't compliment him enough and when he does things he makes a point to let me know so that I can tell him he's done a good job or praise his work.
But I never would have thought that quality time is what this man wanted!
Hey wake up call! lol

All Matthew needs is a little extra love and while I feel like I do give him that, it's not in the way he needs it to feel loved by me.

It's been really interesting to learn these things, but tough to put into practice.
It's not just changing a mindset, it's changing how you interact with your spouse.
It's being very mindful and conscious of their needs and the actions you do to fulfill those needs.
It can go for any relationship really.
Nevaeh would probably be quality time.
She loves when you play with her and just be with her. She doesn't need you to buy her things or do things, or tell her things.
She just wants to be with you.
What's funny, is I learned her pretty quickly, but it took me a while to understand Matthew's and it'll take me a bit to be consistent in giving him what he needs.
I guess that's the fun and good of marriage, right?
If you both work at it you basically have forever to figure out and perfect how to love that other person everyday for the rest of your lives.
Yeah, you probably should know before you get married and it's not that I didn't know what he needed and it's not that i wasn't doing anything, but this has opened my eyes to what I do on a daily basis and what I need to do on a daily basis.
So, here is to my continued efforts in this new marriage!
Maybe one day I can be 'perfect' in my own eyes or at least content with who I am and what I have to offer someone, knowing that it's enough and more.
You can catch up on my perfectionist issues here.

No comments: