Thursday, October 17, 2013

Dear Max

I still can't believe you're really gone... my heart hurts for you.
I wake up wanting to snuggle with you in your bed and get my morning kisses. 
I go to your medicine and realize you're no longer there to take it. 
You've been my best friend since the day I picked you out.
We both moved into our new home together and bonded quickly.
You were spunky and silly and so incredibly sweet.
You loved to give kisses and I am going to miss that the most.
We've been through a lot together and nothing will be the same without you.

You were always so incredibly sweet.
It's one of the only words I can describe you with.
Your eyes showed so much emotion, but you would always come to me and snuggle with me and love on me.
From the time I knew I could get my own puppy, I wanted a boy named Max.
I just knew you'd be special and my expectations of you went above and beyond anything I could image.
I loved watching your mind at work.
I loved that you could tell me what you wanted and I loved that you looked at me like you knew exactly what I was saying and understood.
You snuggled with me when I was sad and you gave me comfort.

I can't believe you were once this tiny!!

Soon after your 1st birthday, we found out you had a liver that was sadly inoperable, but manageable with a special diet and medication twice a day.
I put you through some major surgery, but you were a champ about it.
Unfortunately, you were never the same afterwards... not in a bad way, you were just different.
Almost like you knew something was wrong you just didn't know what or how to tell anyone.

This still makes me cringe and hurt at the fact that you were cut from top to bottom and healed so fast with no scars!!

You became a little more timid when going places and even more attached to me than before, but I didn't mind one bit.
I loved that you depended on me so much and I made sure to meet your needs.
You were my baby and I was going to do everything I could to be your voice when you needed something.
I understood that you couldn't always tell me when something was wrong, but I think sometimes I didn't want to see when something was wrong...
I spoiled you to no end and was very cautious with you on your diet and what you got into.
I wish I could have given you tons of treats and food, but I was so worried I'd get less time with you....
Now I wish I would have given you everything you wanted because you deserved it and I wanted you to have everything.
You were one of the smartest dogs I know. 
You looked at me like you knew exactly what I was saying. 
You knew what you wanted and when you wanted it and when you wanted wanted it!! 
You sure did love your PJ's!!!

You were a persistent little booger! 
Your little ruff was one of the best sounds.
Not always the best in the middle of the night, but I'd take you out every night at 2, or 3, or 4 am if it meant I'd have you forever...

I had no idea waking up Saturday that you'd be gone by that night.
I didn't think you were that sick...
An infection maybe, but I never would have guessed it was that bad and it breaks my heart to think you've been uncomfortable, sick, or in pain for so long.

You even got to come to work with me sometimes. Bored as ever, I know, but you were so sweet to everyone.

We took you into the ER around 3pm. 
A lot of your levels were off. 
Some that were pretty serious, so the doctors wanted to monitor you over night.
There was a specialist of your condition coming in that night who would check on you and do some more tests....
We went home and went to dinner with your grandma and grandpa.
They were both pretty worried about you too and sitting at home wasn't helping. 
It was a good distraction, but that call at 730 is one I wasn't ready for.

You had a stone in each kidney, a bladder stone that was pretty large and obstructing your urinary tract, fluids around most of your organs, pretty severe pancreatitis causing bleeding in your GI tract, and a potential shunt on your liver that was never found, causing more bleeding... You had sludge in your bladder, low sodium, high white blood cell counts, you were severely anemic and potentially high ammonia levels....

You were lazy as ever too!!

And you absolutely HATED to get a bath!! lol

Their recommendation was a plasma transfusion. It was supposed to help your pancreas heal faster, but wouldn't have done much for all the other symptoms.
You were given weeks, maybe months to live and it could have been under medical attention. 

Your daddy and I went to the hospital to talk to the doctors face to face and we were forced to make a decision I never thought I'd have to make.
You would have been sick and miserable for time that wasn't fair for either of us. 
You were already uncomfortable, in pain, and could have been that way for longer than I ever want to think about.

I'm sorry baby...I wish I could have helped you more.
I wish I knew what was wrong and I wish there was something that would have made you better.
But I wouldn't trade it for anything. 
And if I knew what I know now, I still would have picked you.

I couldn't have wished for a better dog than you.
I didn't deserve you and I was so blessed to have you as my first baby. 

You being outside for too long, unless you were laying on grandma and grandpa's porch where the grass couldn't touch you.
You hated walking...too much exercise for one dog
and you only peed when you had to pee! (although hindsight tells me this was a huge factor because of your internal problems) 
You would only eat out of your bowl at home and demanded to be hand fed everywhere else.
Obviously, I gave in to this because I loved you so much.
You only played with certain toys and when Gizmo or someone else would steal one, you'd walk away defeated...
You made me laugh and lately you've made me cry more than I thought I could.

I wasn't ready to say good bye, but having you laying in my lap as you took your last breaths I knew that God was going to take care of you from here. 
I felt a peace knowing that you weren't hurting anymore.
Knowing you wouldn't have to suffer without being able to tell me something was wrong.
You were so strong for longer than you needed to be and for that I am so thankful. 

Remember to look for Mandy, if she hasn't found you yet, and Beth...she'll take just as good of care of you as I have. 
Sparky was Beth's baby, so I bet if you find one of them, you'll be in a good place.
Your great grandpa's are up there too and even though you never met them, I know they'd love you so much...

I'll miss you peanut. 

Love your mommy...


Crystal said...

I'll miss you Maximillian! Be sure to make lots of friends and eat as many treats as you can! :)

THE Stephanie said...

Awe. So sorry for your loss. Such a sweet little thing.