Wednesday, August 1, 2012

Anxiety

Story of my life.
True story...
Maybe one of the hardest parts of being 'me'. I'm not sure.
It's looms over me everyday. All day.
I guess it's like a little friend. I'm never alone! Wa-hoo! Yeah...remember that whole introverted thing? I like to be alone. lol
Definitely not a friend anyone really wants around all the time.
But, I honestly don't know a time in my life when I didn't feel anxious.
When I didn't feel like maybe I was disappointing someone.
When I didn't worry about the outcome of a situation.
When I didn't stress over what I'd be doing, where I might be going, or what might happen.

If you've never experienced anxiety, please, thank God. I'll thank him tonight in my prayers for you.
Consider yourself blessed.
It's gotten worse as I've gotten older.
Not completely uncontrollable, but definitely tough to handle at times.
It affects my relationships, my work, my day-to-day life.
It's taken it's toll on me in my thoughts, my desires, my dreams, and my goals.

Anxiety is an all encompassing emotion that never, ever, really goes away.
You learn how to handle it.
You learn when it's beginning to become overwhelming and you learn some of the triggers, but it isn't always that predictable.
It acts as a surprise that no one wants.
It can sneak up on you and make you lose your breath.

It can be masked as stress or it can go hand in hand with stress.
Something that affects your body more than you'd ever imagine.
You have constant butterflies, but NOT in a good way.
It's as if you have a family of bugs living in your stomach and are constantly ramming into your stomach walls to get out and the walls just get thicker and hard to get through.
Graphic, right? You're welcome ; )

True story, though!
When I have a ton of stress and anxiety built up, I barely eat or my metabolism perks up so much I end up eating more and still losing weight. (Not a recommended diet, P.S.)
I can't sleep. (Don't know what else is new here lol)
I can't focus or concentrate. I become unmotivated. I find myself putting myself down more. Not feeling confident in my decisions. Not wanting to do anything but step away from the world.

It's almost as if my adrenaline picks up and I just can't seem to settle down.
My anxiety plays to my fears.
It's a constant that I have to try and overcome all the time. All. the. time.
I have a never ending fear of failing. Of completely falling on my face.
It's holds me back and it keeps me on edge.

I'm trying to work on ways to get past it.
I'm trying to understand the triggers.
I'm trying to learn to be confident and true to what I believe.
I know that my faith can get me through those anxieties, but it doesn't mean that I won't still fail at times.
That I may stumble and have to get back up instead of staying down.

BUT, at the same time, I'm letting those weaknesses and those thoughts of failure hold me back.
I'm letting my anxieties get the best of me and tell me that I'm not good enough.
That I can't do it.
That I will not succeed...

Let me tell you the toll that takes on you.
It's a lot to handle.
No, it's not the end of the world and some of you may read this and not understand one you.
You think I'm just crazy and have issues and make a big deal out of nothing.
Not that simple. I wish it was. I truly wish it was.
I feel like it's a disease at times.
Something you have to learn the ins and outs before you can take it down or wipe it away.

I'm sure it's different for everyone. I know others probably have anxiety that fills their lives so much, they live in fear. They are depressed, they truly have no concept of life with confidence. Without fear and failure. And to those I can say I understand. At least a little bit.

I pray that I continue to learn how to overcome those fears. Overcome those emotions of failing.
Let God take me where I need to be and work through those emotions.
Let  Him take me to my business. My life. My future.

But everyday. EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. I struggle to do that.
It makes me think my dreams at unattainable. That they are impossible.
That I will never get there....

I want to get there. And I have to change my mentality to where I actually believe that I WILL get there.
That my dreams for life, WILL come true....

All I can do is try. And I don't want to look back and say I didn't try...



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